Author: Crystal Arber

I am the child who had to adapt to the crazy dysfunctional family I grew up in.  I did a great job of negotiating the narcissistic parenting I received. I made sure my parent’s sibling, or pet came before me. This seemed to calm the stormy waters which was a regular event, especially if alcohol or substances were involved. I had to figure out when one of my parents was about to rage on me, attack me, or bully me. I was pretty good at figuring out what the raging parent needed, and I was pretty good at staying away or staying two steps ahead of the next storm. Sometimes I couldn’t figure it out, and I paid a price which taught me to get better at reading other people especially my parents. My other parent was vacant. My other parent didn’t know how to take care of me. This parent was too consumed with her partner’s rage.

What do you mean? Where you begin and I end? I don’t know what you are talking about? I was violated physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally.  I learned I was the abuser’s property. I couldn’t say NO.  My thoughts and my feelings belonged to the abuser. My thoughts and my feelings were owned by my dysfunctional parent. When I had a feeling it was the wrong feeling, or I was told not to be ridiculous, this wasn’t what I was feeling. I was gaslighted for my perceptions and feelings. My abusers told themselves lies so they could make sense of their own dysfunction. I was touched, kicked, pushed, shoved, beaten. My body belonged to my abuser….. my parent. I feel shame all the time. Like I am worthless and do not deserve to be here

Rants from the adaptive child…What are needs? Do you mean meet other peoples needs? My kids? My partner? My dysfunctional parents?  I remember taking care of my parents when  I was a kid. Is this what you mean? I don’t know what my needs are. I get hungry. I get tired. Is this what you mean? Sometimes I think  I get my wants and needs mixed up. I need to eat but I work instead. I need to sleep but I binge watch television instead. I need to go to the doctor but I work instead. I need to go to the dentist but I take pain killer instead. I don’t remember anyone caring about my needs. I do remember being yelled at  or ignored when I tried to ask for something.  I  think I learned  not to ask for what you need….. the consequence was too painful.  I would get sick and my mom would say, ” stop complaining, it will clear up in a couple days. ”  I remember being really sick. Is this what you mean?