rants from the adaptive child… boundaries

rants from the adaptive child…

Boundaries

What are you talking about.. boundaries? What the heck is a boundary?  What do you mean? Where you begin and I end? I don’t know what you are talking about? I was violated physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally.  I learned I was the abuser’s property. I couldn’t say NO.  My thoughts and my feelings belonged to the abuser. My thoughts and my feelings were owned by my dysfunctional parent. When I had a feeling it was the wrong feeling, or I was told not to be ridiculous, this wasn’t what I was feeling. I was gaslighted for my perceptions and feelings. My abusers told themselves lies so they could make sense of their own dysfunction. I was touched, kicked, pushed, shoved, beaten. My body belonged to my abuser….. my parent. I feel shame all the time. Like I am worthless and do not deserve to be here.

As an adult, I muster through learning boundaries the hard way. Sometimes people are mean to me because I don’t understand that I crossed their boundary. Sometimes I have a big wall up and I won’t let anyone in. This causes me to feel lonely. Sometimes I let everybody in and this causes me to get hurt again.

You want to know if I want a hug? Why should I trust you? You’re just another adult who will probably betray me.

Boundaries.

Physical 

Asking before touching another person.

Respecting another person’s physical space.

Respecting your own personal physical space.

Telling another person whether they can touch you or not.

Taking care of your body

Saying No to sex if you don’t want to have sex.

Saying Yes to sex if its consensual and you want to have sex.

Intellectual

Respecting differences of opinion without trying to control the other person’s viewpoint.

Not telling another person what you think they are thinking, should be thinking, or could be thinking. Asking the other person if they want your advice before giving advice.

Emotional

Taking care of your anger.

Taking accountability for your anger.

Not throwing up your anger or lashing out at another person.

Not blaming another person, place or thing for your anger.

Respecting another person’s feelings

Validating your child’s feelings.

Validating your own feelings.

Respecting your own feelings and using these feelings as indicators for information about people and the environment.

Verbal 

Not using insults towards another person

Not calling a person a name or other derogatory term.

Not yelling or raising voice.

Not disrespecting the other person through tone or verbal insults.